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Is Going No Contact Right for You?

Updated: Apr 26, 2022

When raised by a narcissistic parent, remaining in relationship with them as an adult almost always means compromising personal standards, self-worth and self-respect. While for some, going "low contact" is a viable option, for most of us it simply won't do.

We cannot heal from abuse while still coping with it, and choosing to stay in contact with a narcissistic parent sends our inner children the message that they are not worthy of the love or respect. Choosing our parents over ourselves compromises our ability to have a healthy relationship with self and others.

I've observed three kinds of clients who consult me for treatment. They are either already fed up with the abuse and living no contact, seeking validation for their desire to go no contact and feeling doubtful, or are unwilling go no contact because they can't imagine paying price for their freedom. They are paralyzed by fear, guilt, and/or finances.

These clients tend to come to me looking for a secret sauce to enduring the narcissist without being destroyed by them. They are not yet ready to suffer the consequences to their mutual relationships with their narcissistic parent, or the disturbance to their comfort zone. For most, the fallout of ending their financial relationship with the narcissist stops them in their tracks.

These women usually stay in their abusive relationships, and invest their energy in pacifying their parent(s), while those who are already no contact move on without looking back., and those flirting with the idea are simply stalling on the way to their final destination.

An easy way to determine whether or not no contact is for you is simply to examine your past thought life to see if you've nursed a fantasy that revolves around being away from your narcissistic parent. If so, your inner child is pointing you in the direction that is right for you. Once you realize this, you see that you only have to do the work of coming to terms with what this means for you (guilt, shame, withdrawal, and upheaval) and mourn your shattered perception of reality before letting go, and moving on.

Stop doubting your desire to go no contact and work on coming to terms with your needs. Your best life is on the other side of your no contact journey. You’re not wrong about it.

-Dani Ellison

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